Our friends Kyle and Nimmi invited us over to a fabulous Indian feast last night followed by a screening of the new remake of Don. First of all let me just state the obvious by saying that Sharukh “The Blubberer” Khan is no Amitabh Bachchan, Kareena Kapoor is no Helen, and Priyanka Chopra will never be Zeenat Aman!
From the beginning the movie was ridiculous, Bollywood trying to do knockoff HK fights by way of the Matrix. And we are supposed to somehow believe Sharukh is the fearsome head of a criminal organization. Like we are supposed to buy his hideously busy matching shirts and ties with the collars unbuttoned and the ties around his bare neck. Yeah right.
Kareena Kapoor trying to recreate the Helen dancing scene is an absolute joke. The choreography is truly awful (as is the case throughout the entire film). She dances like an awkward, spasmatic chicken. Putting her in a tight, short gold lame dress does nothing to make her sexy, just embarrassing. At some point we are introduced to the Zeenat character played by Priyanka and we are supposed to believe this skinny girl is a martial arts badass. Just as unbelievable as “Kill Bill” trying to get us to think that Uma Thurman is some deadly assassin. The movie offered me no reason to stay awake, and I questioned the other viewers’ interest in my constant scathing commentary, so I passed out on the couch. I came to, here and there, in time to see some more sub-Matrix fighting and more awful choreography. I was fully embarassed, realizing that I have been playing the remakes of the original “Don” songs from this film at our gigs. Techno-sounding versions of these classics are very functional on the dance floor in the 21st century. However, after seeing how catastrophically these songs have been “picture-ized” I was retroactively mortified for every time I played one of these versions. They sounded OK on the soundtrack, but they sounded a million times worse as I watched their inept visualizations on the screen. There is a bhang lassi scene, though, and you can’t really front on bhang lassis. There is a twist ending which I will not reveal, which is probably the only thing the movie has going for it. Lame. You can’t top the twenty-minute-martial-arts-showdown-in-the-cemetery scene from the original. Oh well. Everyone knows you can’t remake a classic.
What do you think, have the people behind the marketing campaign for the new Don seen “The Matrix?”